Hard

July 1, 2011

The last couple days have been more difficult for me. Three nights ago Heidi and Mike had to take Sophie to the ER because she got croup so bad. It was so hard not being there with her (even though we knew she was well taken care of). So Brandon and I decided it would be best that he go stay with the girls, which means that he needs to stay away from me and Mason for a while so we don't risk the chance of getting him sick. I miss them so much!

Yesterday was Emma's birthday. It was SO hard for me not to be able to celebrate with her! I just really look forward to being a normal family again! I feel so torn and don't want my girls to think that Mason is more important to me than they are. This is hard.

Today I went to my neighbor's funeral. She was expecting and passed away from complications the day after my incident. I feel sick about it. It's really hard because I feel like we were pretty blessed how things worked out, but why didn't they for her? Her family deserved it just as much as ours. I know Heavenly Father has a plan and this is just one part of it I won't be able to understand now. I pray for their family! I can't even imagine how HARD this is for them.

On my way to the funeral I got a call from Mason's nurse. He had been having a bunch of a/bs. He has reflux and he closes off his airway to protect himself, but then he forgets to start breathing. It's normal, but his have gotten a little worse and lasted a little longer. I don't like so much him turning blue! One spell lasted a minute and a half before they got him breathing again. Also, he has diaherria, he was projectile vomiting, his skin was marbely, and his stomach was lumpy. They are running tests and taking x-rays of his stomach. They think he has a virus, but not sure what. It tested negative for bacterial, so it must be viral. They stopped fortifying the breastmilk they feed him through a tube. During the afternoon he seemed to be doing a bit better, but still I worry so much about the little guy. It is a step back and if his stomach still has problems they will have to start an IV and put off feeding him for a while, which would be a bigger set back. UGH!

I remember after our traumatic day after they delivered Mason the nurses were congratulating me. All I could think was, "How can you congratulate me when it's not supposed to be like this. He's not supposed to be born yet. Now instead of being a healthy baby, he has to struggle to survive. Congratulations???" I know we have been so blessed, but it is still so hard. Hard to watch him fight. We are on the better side of things. We've seen so many babies that are a lb and a half and know they have a much longer, bumpy road than us. That's when I realize that throughout hard trials and life experiences, we can not only grow closer to our Heavenly Father and Savior, but we also learn a greater sense of compassion and love for others. I feel like this year we have learned this a lot.

I am grateful because I know we have been blessed, but I would be lying if I didn't say this all has been really HARD!