Apnea

Yesterday was a really hard day. Mason has really struggled with apnea. I don't know how many times he turned blue and went limp. Once his oxygen level went to 0. I used to be confident with my babies, but now I feel anxious every time I hold him, always worrying if he is going to stop breathing. It is awful!!! I finally had a breakdown and couldn't handle any more and had to leave. I have pretty much gone to the hospital every day from 10 am until around 10 pm. I think all of this has been so much to handle. It has also been frustrating because I feel like in the last 2 weeks he hasn't progressed at all, he has gotten worse. It's hard not to wonder if we should have kept him at the U. But I have to remind myself it is what it is and I have to hold tight to faith that he is going to get better.

On Wednesday I went to my two week doctor appointment. It was a lot more difficult for me than I ever thought it would be. Seeing all of the pregnant women there, knowing that I still would be pregnant, was hard. That night my friends did a shower for me. I have the best friends and neighborhood ever! We have felt so much love from everyone. I had to laugh when I came home my pot of flowers on my front porch was completely filled with water. They were being killed with kindness! That made me feel loved.

So back to Mason. They stopped feeding him again and I guess it has helped with his apnea spells. The poor little guy has been through a lot. I'm not sure when they will start feeding him again. When they do I think they are going to feed him predigested formula for a while until his stomach gets stronger. Good thing I'm pumping my life away. I have breast milk in too many people's freezers. That can't be appetizing opening your freezer to that! O'well.

I got to see my girls and hubby for the first time in a long time. It's so good to see them, even though they are a wreck too. Hopefully some day we will be able to get back to some sort of normal life. I feel pulled in both directions, feeling guilty if I'm not with the girls but then feeling bad not being with Mason. One day this will be a memory....I look forward to that day.

My nephew, Dylan, isn't doing very well at all. The so-called "honeymoon phase" never happened for him. His symptoms keep getting worse and worse. He is a special guy and it is so horrible having to see he and his family going through this. I wish I could do something to alleviate some of their pain. Life can be hard and sadly hard happens for a lot of people. I just don't know how people could go through something like this without the gospel. It would be completely unbearable without the knowledge and testimony of eternal families. I am so grateful for my testimony and the strong testimonies of my sister and her husband Ryan. They have been amazing and great examples of enduring well. I love them!