Monday, August 1, 2011

Rollercoaster

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster with so many ups and downs. I'm not loving this roller coaster and would really like to jump off it and be able to stand on solid ground. Emotionally I feel exhausted.

We were told we would probably be taking Mason home today. He finished his 48 hours of full feeds this morning. I was at the hospital until 2:30 am feeling stressed. So many horror stories of babies ready to leave but something changing to make them stay so I was trying not to get too excited. Also a little nervous about bringing him home. Preemies are so different than healthy babies. Just watching your babies monitors could make you a nervous wreck and seeing what they have to work through as they grow and figure things out. This has been such a different experience!

I called the hospital this morning at 6:00 am to see how he was doing. The nurse told me at around 4:00 am his heart and oxygen levels dropped so now that means we probably have at least another week before he can come home. It's so strange I don't really feel like I have a baby. It just seems like a horrible dream or like I have 2 lives, one periodically at home and the other at the hospital. Oh, please bless that this will end soon.

I don't want to bring him home until he is ready, especially because I don't ever want to go back! Plus I don't want to be constantly worrying about him. He is such a sweet baby with a good temperament. I am so grateful that he is doing as well as he is, because he really made a lot of progress fast. I'm just emotionally tired and came home for the day for a break. A much needed break!

8 comments:

Jane said...

Take care of yourself Lindsay. You will need some strength left when he comes home. You are an amazing and strong woman and you'll get through this (all of you will). Roller Coasters are not my favorite any more. I like things smooth! I hope next week he can come home! Love you!

The Gardner's said...

I feel for you! Hang in there...you're one tough mama! You're doing great, here's hoping for one week!

Brittney said...

I am sure you are just ready to be done. You are all in our prayers. Someday this will be nothing, but a memory. Good luck!!! You are awesome, you can do anything!!!

Lisa Mc said...

I know how hard it is to have the finish line in sight and then have it taken away. The same thing happened with Khloe. I'm sorry and promise the end will come. Glad you took time for yourself and went home. You've got to do that or it all becomes too much. Sending more prayers your way!

Jullie said...

Lindsay, we continue to pray for your family. I worry about you and hope that you will find a way to push through these remaining few days and have the energy for when Mason comes home. We know it's been a long few months. PLEASE let us know how we can help!

The Bagley Family said...

I wish we lived closer and could do something to help you! We continue to pray for your family and hope and pray this week will be the last at the hospital! Hang in there... you are so strong and amazing!

Jacie said...

Oh so sorry! How disappointing! Just remember that we are all praying for your little guy! And you. Hang in there.

The Redhead Bunch said...

It has been so long since we ran into each other at Joanns! I didn't even know you were having another sweet little one. He is adorable. How tough to have a preemie and 4 at home to take care of! Hang in there friend. You are amazing. You can do it!